The 36 Questions That Create Intimacy

Goal

Generate feelings of closeness and intimacy between two people in a single conversation. This protocol can deepen existing relationships or create surprising connection with acquaintances.

Prerequisites

• Two willing participants
• 45-60 minutes of uninterrupted time
• Private setting where you won't be overheard
• Phones put away
• Mutual agreement to answer honestly

The Science

Arthur Aron's 1997 study at SUNY Stony Brook paired strangers and had them work through increasingly personal questions. The result? Participants felt closer to their partner than to their average relationship. One pair even married six months later.

The mechanism is "self-expansion through relationships"—we're drawn to people who help us learn new things about ourselves. The questions force mutual vulnerability, which creates reciprocal liking.

A 2015 replication by Sprecher found the same effect, with participants reporting significantly higher closeness, similarity, and attraction compared to small-talk controls.

The Protocol

Set I: Getting Started (15 minutes)

Take turns asking and answering these questions. Both people answer each question before moving to the next.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Would you like to be famous? In what way?

Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II: Going Deeper (15 minutes)

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

What do you value most in a friendship?

What is your most treasured memory?

What is your most terrible memory?

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

What does friendship mean to you?

What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III: Maximum Vulnerability (15 minutes)

Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."

Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."

If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Final Step: The Stare (4 minutes) After completing all questions, sit in silence and make eye contact for four minutes. Set a timer. This feels awkward initially but creates profound connection.

Timing

• Questions 1-12: 15 minutes (75 seconds per question)
• Questions 13-24: 15 minutes (75 seconds per question)
• Questions 25-36: 15 minutes (75 seconds per question)
• Eye contact: 4 minutes
• Total: 49 minutes

Don't rush. If a question sparks deeper conversation, follow it. The timing is a guideline, not a rule.

Tracking

Rate your feelings before and after on a 1-10 scale:

• How close do you feel to this person?
• How much do you like this person?
• How comfortable would you be sharing something personal with them?
• How similar do you feel to this person?

Most people report 3-4 point increases across all measures.

Troubleshooting

"This feels forced/artificial" It's supposed to. The artificiality paradoxically creates safety—you're both following the same rules. Push through the initial awkwardness.

"My partner won't open up" Model vulnerability first. Answer fully and honestly. Vulnerability is contagious.

"We got stuck on one question" That's fine. The magic isn't in completing all 36—it's in the mutual revelation. Follow interesting threads.

"The eye contact feels too intense" Start with 30-second intervals, building to the full four minutes. It's normal to laugh or look away initially.

"I don't feel closer afterward" The effect isn't universal. Some people are naturally more guarded. The protocol works for about 70% of participants.

Variations

Existing Relationships: Skip questions you've already covered extensively. Focus on ones that reveal new information.

Group Setting: Use questions 1-12 only. Deeper questions require privacy.

Self-Reflection: Answer all questions in writing first. Reveals what you're willing to share vs. what you keep private.

Digital Version: Works over video calls but loses some intimacy. In-person is optimal.

The Research Reality Check

This isn't magic. The 36 questions don't guarantee lasting relationships or romantic attraction. They create a moment of connection that feels meaningful but may not translate to long-term compatibility.

The original study had participants interact for just one session. Follow-up studies show the closeness effect fades without continued interaction.

What the questions do well: Create rapid rapport, break through surface-level conversation, and establish emotional safety for vulnerability.

What they don't do: Solve relationship problems, create compatibility where none exists, or replace the slow work of building trust over time.